9 days..

As of right now I have 9 days until court. I personaly think that this court is in god's hands. He is the only person who determines what happens. I know I could of been better, way better, but I do think I have done a fantastic job so far. I have kept faith, even when they tell me I might not get to come home that day. They forget that I'm keeping all my faith in God and Jesus Christ. God works mircales. The entire thing can turn around, the Lord can make it to where I go home that day, or he can make me wait. He see's the struggles I'm facing, and the one's i have went through and am still going through. I personaly know that I do not want to be here anymore, I do want to come home to be near family and be with friends. Feeling alone is something I don't wanna feel anymore. I know that I'm not going to be mean or rude to anyone anymore because no one knows the whole situation. I'm trying to be a better person. When I get back home I don't think I'll smoke or drink just because I know I can deal with things being sober, when at first I didnt think I could. I know that I have made some terrible choices in my life, and I can't go back and change them nor would I if i got the chance. They did lead me here, and I guess you could say it has taught me alot, it has definitly changed me and the way I look at things now. As far as court goes, I'm going to hold my head high and pray with all my heart that I get to go home. I don't know if I will or not, but as far as keeping my faith and praying to the lord, I should be going home. I know everyone wants to know what I'll do if I don't get to go home, and I'm keeping a positive attitude and therefore I'm only thinking that I'm going home. No room for negativity and disapointments in my heart. *God please grant me the strength to carry on with myself here in Roanoke, Please hear my cries, I want to go homme, Jesus, let me go home and surround myself with the people who have stood by myside and helped me throughout this expirence, Please let me go home on the 25. Help me love my mother, help me let this go. Aman*

A day in the life of me..

When that alarm goes off in the mornings I just turn it off and lay there. I think of reasons why i should get up, of course non of them are good enough, but I get up anyway. I have no energy, no reason to get ready for the long day ahead of me. I don't even feel like putting make up on or getting dressed. I go to school thinking of going home, my real home.. the one that's an hour away! People talk to me and I act interested but everyone knows I'm hiding something. I get upset when someone talks of negativity, although nothing positive ever comes out of my mouth unless its about someone else. The feeling of being alone has always made me down, but right now I'm numb. I want to be happy, but I'm not even happy with my body or life. Its rather pathetic. If i could talk to people the way I blog I think things would be easier. I just can't find the excitement i once had in life. I just sit in my room and watch as the time passes. I go to sleep and repeat the process. I don't know how to feel about the situation, I pass time by thinking how my life would be if i didn't do some of the things that i have in my past. Which only lets me know how bad things really are. I'm in a maze, and I don't remember how to get out.. This is how i feel right now.. 

Depression

When one thing happens everything seems to come crashing down. That's how i feel anyways. I have been temporally placed in a foster home. I didn't feel like a stranger, they welcomed me with open arms. I have always been a happy go lucky kind of girl. Very sensitive, loving, kind, a girl with big dreams. When i look in the mirror now i see a dark, insecure girl, who cries almost every day of her life. I never thought depression would take over my life, but it is right at this very second. I wake up and throw on a fake smile, but that's determined on what kind of day I'm having. Most days i wake up, debate on getting out of bed, Get ready for school, Go to school, come home and sit in my room. I only come out when i have to use the bathroom and for dinner. I don't really have that big of an appetite anymore. I have sat in my room non stop for three days straight now. I have caught myself getting comfortable and sleeping, even if I'm not tired. I don't have the urge or feeling to do anything anymore. I don't see myself amounting to anything anymore. All this  coming from a girl with big dreams? I am at the point of giving up all hope. How can this be the life for me? How do i over come this depression? Why did this have to happen to me? I have all these questions i would like to ask but who do i ask? Do i tell my doctor? My counselor? My foster parents? Family and friends is out of the question! I have been hiding this from all of them because i wasn't ready to tell myself. I thought if i could get high or drink a little something then all this would go away, maybe that's where this problem first started? I'll never know. I know that dealing with this will be the hardest thing i will ever do. As of right now i have no energy or strength to do anything. I feel so lost and helpless. I am a complete mess, I have fallen apart, tried picking my self back up but it feels like as soon as i start feeling good again something happens and i fall back down again.. I need to get help.. Where do i start?

Today marks another day that i have found myself struggling with keeping my faith. I haven't always been the religious type, it all started in my second foster home. I learned about god and really wanted to change my ways. Which i did good there for awhile. Until i lost hope in myself.. I still pray daily, and before i eat. I try to do all good, christian like things as much as i possibly can.. Yes its a struggle, but my mind is set to do it. Any who back on track, I have no clue who reads my blogs, but if your reading this and have any feedback, comments, questions.. ANYTHING! id love to hear it. At this very moment i am struggling with keeping my faith, i don't want to go into deep detail about my situation in this blog, but i am praying to return home on the 25 of September. Everyone keeps telling me something different and i don't want what their saying to happen.. I am and have been praying to return home on the 25 of September.. I am trying not to lose my faith but i am struggling now more than ever. I used to turn to other things when feeling like this but i know that i just cant do that anymore, so I'm turning to blogging! My readers are what will keep me focused. I might even start a vlog. But back to topic, Is there anyone out there with any great advice on this? Do i pray on how to cope with this struggle? i know i should just let god do his work and give him all these problems, and i do try to do that.. i just feel like i failed him & now he wants me to be punished? Maybe not the case but i am praying with all my heart to come home, and I'm trying so hard to keep my faith. i do understand that god works miracles, and anything is possible through him. this is what has kept me from giving up so far. and i will continue to do so, if theres any one out there that can help, please give me the advice.